his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
