I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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