You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
