you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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