Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Drunk is a universal language darling
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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