Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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