so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
