Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
