You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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