If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
