hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
