mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
