i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
