do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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