I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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