I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
