my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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