I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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