I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
