Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
