wanna go halves on a baby?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
