I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
