chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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