I wish I only lived at night.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
