Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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