Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
