how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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