well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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