Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
