remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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