I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
