Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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