I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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