Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
