You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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