I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My bed smells like the plague
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
