She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need a beard to bite.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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