so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i was born a porn star she said
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
