i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
