What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
