genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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