The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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