And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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