You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
