i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
