You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
