My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
