drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
