I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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