She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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