God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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