i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
