Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
