How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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