You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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