I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
