yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
