dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
